Wow. WOW!
Incredibly, Time Warner Cable has failed at Cable Installation Attempt: The Sequel. I suppose I should have listened to Charlotte on this one. But I thought, really, how can they fuck up a simple installation? Well, this is how:
So I left work early to make sure I would be home precisely at 6pm, as the Installation Window was from 6-9pm. If you recall, Installation Attempt Number One failed due to my apparent absence at 6:30pm...even though I was in fact, home. But I thought, hey, I did get home 15 minutes past the hour, maybe his watch was off, maybe I just missed him, etc. Not this time though. This time, I was going to be ready and waiting.
As soon as I walked in the door (5:35pm), I called TWC to confirm my appointment, just in case. The representative informed me that yes, I should indeed be expecting a technician between the hours of 6 and 9pm. Excellent. I settled on the couch in the living room with a book and a blanket. I wanted to be close to the buzzer, and I thought maybe my bedroom was too far away. I was not taking any chances.
I did not move from that couch for the next three hours. I wanted to shower, as I did have plans for the evening, but there was no way I was going to risk missing this dude. I waited, patiently, glancing every now and again at my television set and thinking, believing, that any moment now I'd be able to turn it on and channel surf at my leisure.
SORRY, NO.
Sigh. 9:20pm rolls around and I am Angered. I call TWC, navigate through the tedious automated menus, and finally get an actual person on the phone. Here's how the conversation went:
Me: Hi, yes, I'm calling about my installation appointment that was scheduled for today between 6 and 9pm?
Very Nice But Entirely Unhelpful Representative: I'd be happy to help you with that. May I have your account information?
(I give it to him)
VNBEUR: Oh. Well, it's showing me here that it's been cancelled.
Me: ...
VNBEUR: Um...
Me: (trying to be polite) So....why?
VNBEUR: Well...it doesn't say really...
Me: ...
VNBEUR: Oh wait, here we go. Oh, it says that he was there 5 minutes ago...
Me: ... Well that is incredibly not true.
VNBEUR: Um...well...it says he couldn't open the door.
Me: Did he buzz?
VNBEUR: It doesn't say.
Me: Did he call?
VNBEUR: It doesn't say.
Me: I see.
At this point, I am quietly furious. Later, I will get loudly furious. But my state of shock is such that I am unable to manage more than short, hyper-polite, passive-aggressive responses. Read on.
VNBEUR: OK well let me see, maybe he's still outside.
Me: (runs to the window, desperately looking for a truck)
VNBEUR: Ohhh...yeah he just punched out. He's gone.
Me: OK. Listen. This is the second time this has happened. I have been home the entire time and it is completely impossible that he tried to get in and I didn't hear him. Trust me.
VNBEUR: Well ma'am I'm truly sorry for the inconvenience...let me see if I can get you something tomorrow.
Me: No no. Call him. He cannot have gotten far.
VNBEUR: Well unfortunately the dispatch office closes at 9pm and there's no way to get in touch with him. He only has a radio.
Me: ... Fine. What do you have tomorrow?
VNBEUR: I'm checking...
As an aside, this guy should have gotten an award for the performance he gave. What followed was the most contrived sincerity I've ever heard:
VNBEUR: Ohhhh. Oh noooo...no don't do this to meeeee...
Me: ....what.
VNBEUR: Siiiiiiiiigh. Well, it's showing me here that the only thing available is on Tuesday.
Me: No. Don't you have anything this weekend?
VNBEUR: Well unfortun-
Me: Just, stop. OK. When on Tuesday.
VNBEUR: 2-6pm. Can I put you down?
Me: No, I work all day. I need something after 6pm.
VNBEUR: Oh, well, then... we don't have anything until Thursday.
Me: Wow. Of course.
Alright. I mean, I don't even know what to say, sir. I have been on my couch since 6pm. I left work early. I am telling you this because you need to know that there is no possible way I could have missed this person.
VNBEUR: Haha..hah...well um, I'm leaving a note on your next appointment, "call cell phone..."
Me: Write "BUZZ THE DOOR. IT IS 4B." Write that. And my cell phone number.
VNBEUR: OK...writing it....
Me: OK now, since we have to assume that this will get fucked up somehow, what do I do when he does not buzz.
VNBEUR: Well he has to.
Me: You would think! But what if he is retarded, and also has no cell phone?
VNBEUR: Hah...well, he's a technician, he has to have a cell phone.
Me: But you just told me he only had a radio.
VNBEUR: Oh...well...he'll have to use a pay phone.
Me: Right. And when that doesn't happen?
VNBEUR: Listen, I'm going to give you your first month free, OK?
I mean, listen. I felt for this guy. I'm sure he gets people calling and yelling at him all day about the unbelievable incompetence of Time Warner. But we live in New York City. I would love to know where in this town you can simply open the door to a building without buzzing first. There is absolutely no way I can believe that he wouldn't think to buzz. And if he was unable to figure this out, I'm not sure I want him installing my cable, or being in my house for that matter.
Don't lie to me, Time Warner Cable. What happened was, the dude was late, he didn't feel like working anymore, his shift was technically over, and all he wanted to do was go home and stand guard in his living room in case anyone decided to walk through his front door which apparently is left open at all times because no one has told him about buzzers or doorbells.
Tell me that, tell me that he was late for his threesome with two Russian prostitutes, tell me that he's suffering from heroin withdrawal and he had to go meet Juan the drug dealer, tell me he doesn't give a fuck about me or my cable...but DO NOT tell me that he tried to buzz my goddamn apartment. Because that is a lie.
